A Wise @SS By Any Other Name

Successful Timetravel announced

2009-03-29T08:15:00.001-04:00

This is just creepy. WTF is that?

2009-02-05T05:32:00.001-05:00

God gets a Twitter account

2009-01-09T15:02:00.003-05:00

The other day, during a clear lapse of reason, I got to thinking what God would tweet if he had a Twitter account. Here are just a few I came up with.

God Tweet: Created new background for Twitter. A really BIG LIGHT. Small problem, every visitor ends up in here. Might need to change it.
God tweet: got an iPod today. Listening to God Smack. Good stuff (air guitar). Stubbed toe on Saturn while dancing.
God tweet: created Fran Drescher. Got the nasal cavity wrong. She talks and dogs wince. Oh well
God tweet: working on continents today. Can't get the glue on Calif to stick. Keeps sliding.
God Tweet: invested politicians and frontal lobotomy survey on the same day. Didn't see that coming.
God Tweet: Working on food sources. Hid steak in weird creatures I call cows. Tried cow tipping. Funny!
God Tweet: Trying to fix the camel design. Knees are wrong, jaw moves side to side. Gotta stop drinking on Thursday nights!
God tweet: created the universe. Does this make me look fat?
God Tweet: Created the Pomegranate today. Tried one. Hands red, face red, tongue red, exhausted and still hungry. What was I thinking?
God Tweet: Got Gmail email account yesterday. Gotta smite SPAM. What is ED and why does everyone try to sell me something called "viagra"?
God tweet: created golden retriever today. What's with all the leg humping?
God tweet: tried world without gravity. Dropped it and lost all my best work. Starting over. Gonna add friction
God Tweet: Fixing Angel aerodynamics issue. Halo causing drag, harp hard to hold on to at MACH 1+. Considering Boeing contract bid
God Tweet: Created Peanuts today. Buried them under ground where no one will find them. For fun made elephants crave them.
God tweet: created Devil for amusement. Forgot off switch. Dumb dumb dumb (slaps forehead)
God tweet: Created humans. Added teen years to occur at same time as reproductive organ activation. May have read spec wrong?!
God tweet: made talking gecko as proof of my existence. Damn thing works for Geiko. Miracle ignored.
God tweet: gave birth to O'Reilly and Coulter. Split one brain between them. Disconnected from mouth. Dumb humans r hilarious. Angels laugh
God tweet: built planet earth, spun up and orbiting. Creating wobble to f'with computer time. He he (giggles)
God Tweet: Just created blondes. Bad idea. Brunettes tomorrow, Red head the day after to break up the fights.
God Tweet: Giving cats tails, not telling them they are attached.
God tweet: tried flat earth experiment. Water wouldn't stay put. Rounding edges
God tweet: created marijuana today and the island off Jamacia. Bored
God tweet: moved Mayans to another planet today. No one will miss them
God tweet: tried to make Carrot Top funny today. Failed. Made Robin Williams. Wicked!
God tweet: made humans bipeds. Created ice. Funny stuff. ROFL
God tweet: created celery today. Not sure why.
God tweet: how the heck does this .NET stuff work? Need to create Google first thing tomorrow.
God tweet: vampire thing not working. Note to self not to invent garlic next time
God tweet: spoke to Steve Jobs today. Suggested he put an "i" in front of all Apple products just for fun
God tweet: made scissors for right handed people only. Satan is left handed. That will piss him off
God tweet: helped those nutty Wright Bros today. Next small bags of peanuts
God tweet: made planets today. Added Uranus for laughs.
God tweet: anyone seen my tablets? Left them somewhere
God tweet: invented cats today. Gave them a purrr that no one will figure out.
God tweet: first infomercial, sold Moses a stick! Ha, made 60%profit
God tweet: made a snake move without legs today. Creepy but fun.
God tweet: I think I will give human a gall bladder for no good reason. Love confusing those humans.
God tweet: made Noah build an ark today with no power tools! Ha
God tweet: light, that's what this needs!
God tweet : should I make camels knees bend backwards? That would keep those humans guessing!
God tweet: not sure about this Adam rib thing

Obama and Spiderman

2009-01-09T14:40:00.002-05:00

Had to capture this for prosperity.

From Yahoo posting,

"The Obama story is a bonus in Marvel Comic's Amazing Spider-Man #583, available in comic book shops nationwide on Jan. 14 for $3.99 and is expected to sell out, with half the covers devoted to Obama."

SPAM email I like!

2008-12-19T09:19:00.004-05:00

I get a lot of SPAM email. Its the nature of being in the computer security field. You test against sites most people wouldn't touch with a ten foot Ethernet cable.

I have to admit though, some SPAM I LIKE. For example the newsletters Victoria's Secret sends me. I bought some clothes online for my fiance a couple years ago and now I get "gifts" every few weeks in the form of emails.

(ok, its a semi-lecherous post but its only an email and it makes me think of my finance' so technically, I'm safe!)

Duck or is that Horse?

2008-12-17T21:33:00.002-05:00

With respect to park statues, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

So by deduction, if both rear legs are in the air, the person died by getting kicked in the head!

Thinking about God

2008-12-09T15:42:00.005-05:00

What religion does God practice?
Does God have a gender?
Does God like Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts or Gevalia?
What year is it in heaven?
What type of printer does God have? Does he have a laptop?
Does God use Windows or Linux?
Does God need to backup his data?
Does God record us on Tivo when he is building other planets?
If God is a woman, is she pre or post menopausal? Does she wear a bra?
Does God have orgasms? With who? (it would seem weird that we can but God couldn't)
Does God have a cellphone? Does it roam?
How many Gb's of space is there on God's ipod?

SQA PETA secret revealed

2008-11-04T21:40:00.001-05:00

Damn, my secret weapon has been revealed on the Internet.

Anyone need a cat with good C++ skills? I also have a ferret who is good at testing PHP.

Someone is going to PAY for leaking this! Get my lawyer on the phone!

Pizza Slicing Perfected

2008-11-03T14:21:00.002-05:00

German engineers announced recently that they have developed the world's most precise pizza slicers. It is expected that this device will be available for purchase by the general public some time in the next quarter.

Early testing shows the device to be highly effective on large pizzas although some complaints were received about the slicers effectiveness on small and medium size pizzas, especially those with anchovies as it seems the small fish bones gum up the works.

Company officials declined comment....

I don't remember.

2008-10-30T19:15:00.002-04:00

I often forget the drive home. I can drive the whole way and not recall a thing. Tonite I think I got lost and drove by the Kuiper Belt but I don't really remember.

When France and Scandinavia collide, we pay!

2008-05-28T18:29:00.004-04:00

Want to confuse the French and confound Scandinavians?

Where am I going with this? Well you can "raise a barn" (Scandinavian origin) while you "raze a lot" (French origin) next door. Confused? Imagine how someone learning English (we should call it American) feels? Yikes.

Conversation heard in a bathroom;
"Hey Jose, we are razing a barn at my house this weekend. Want to help?"
"Sure, I will bring my nail gun."
"Nail gun? We are razing it, not raising it. Bring your backhoe."
......flush...slam

So wrong.....

How to wear a yellow cavern.

2008-05-09T07:22:00.003-04:00

Just for the record, I am not a big Pokemon fan but I saw this pic and had to make it mine.

Two things strike me about this picture:

1) You know that guys wants to kick that furry little creatures (known as Picachew) @ss for getting in this embarrassing photo.

2) (more importantly) How the heck does the person in the costume see out of the thing? The eyes are too far apart and the mouth is about 3 feet off the ground! I am convinced they hired a midget if you look at the arm placement which means, yes, the mouth must be where they are looking out of. That is just wrong. The midget must feel like he or she is wearing a yellow cavern. There is enough room in the head to hang a big screen TV!

I am sorry but this just kills me.....

Bodily Functions now Wii Games!

2008-05-08T21:51:00.005-04:00

I just dont' know what to say about this other than I have to share it.

Yes, it is a game for the Wii call Super Pii Brothers.
Yes, it allows you to simulate peeing....

"According to the Japanese text on the box "Super Pii Pii Brothers promotes good bathroom skills and allows women to experience for the first time the pleasure of urinating while standing."

The question I have to ask myself is, will I buy the game? I can't imagine I would get to play for long as it would make me have to go. Perhaps this game would be best played in the bathroom.

From a pure entrepreneurial standpoint, what group of geniuses stood in a room and said, "Yes! That's it! Let design a game around bodily functions. It will sell like hotcakes." Twenty bucks says this company is NOT VC backed.

What next? Vomitorama? Colostomy bag toss? Thank God they don't make an addon that emits smells.

(man, my sleep is going to be disturbed tonite!)

Beginning to feel like Lawnmower man....

2008-04-30T18:21:00.007-04:00

Ok, so let's go through the check list:
I'm Linked In - Check!
I'm on Plaxo - Check!
I got a facebook page - Check!
I have two blogs - Check!
I have more email accounts than one man should - Check!

Several domain names - Check!
I'm on Naymz - Check!
I got a Blackberry - Check!
Google Reader, Google Adwords, got it and got it (and paying for it!)
Paypal, yup!
Amazon, yup!
Ebay, yup!
Online banking....Salesforce.com.....yes sir!
Stumbling, Digging, and Twittering......5x5 and in the zone.

So tell me, when do I start to see the efficiencies?

When Music and English collide...it's not pretty nor harmonic

2008-04-17T08:48:00.003-04:00

When writing musical lyrics, why do we call the part that repeats the "refrain". Should I sing it or NOT! Confusing....either let me sing it or take it out of the song. And stop making me sing the refrain over and over again. It's like breaking the law knowingly.

(I found this pick of Robert Plant....getting a bit "potted" in his old age but still a class act)

Someone shoot me (and the wiener)!

2008-02-20T10:04:00.004-05:00

How do certain phases get into the our daily speech? I just used the phase "cool beans" with someone and I have no idea where it came from!

I guess this is similar to hearing a song on the radio in the morning and realizing later that afternoon you have been singing it all day! I wish I had the ability to go into my brain and ferret out several useless jingles, like the Oscar Meyer wiener song and most tunes by Captain and Tennille!

(what kind of name is Tennille and what is up with loving Muscrats?)

You could take an eye out!

2008-01-25T09:18:00.000-05:00

Some things should never go into production. This ring pistol would have to be one of them.

I am wondering what comments might have been included in the manual for this ring.

Do NOT shake hands while gun is loaded
Playing handball while wearing this ring may reduce competition
Ring not suitable for engagement purposes
Sneezing or coughing may cause death
Bullets sold separately
Not suitable for hunting
Please drink responsibly, i.e not while wearing this ring
Notice to Clowns: Please remove this ring before making balloon animals
Petting animals while wearing this ring may be misconstrued as "animal cruelty" and can lead to undo legal costs and trauma.
Please remove ring before using restroom facilities.

Eat Mars Candies and lose weight!

2008-01-07T19:05:00.000-05:00

These are the stupid things you do when sitting in a hotel room trying to pass time. You read the back of the MnM packet and start blogging. Interestingly enough Mars claims the color distribution in my packet is

Brown: 16.6%
Yellow: 16.6%
Red: 16.6%
Blue: 16.6%
Green: 16.6%
Orange: 16.6%
Invisible: 0.4%

So let's see, if there are 250 calories in each serving and there is one serving in a packet then I actually save about 1 calorie due to invisible MnMs. I wonder where they buy the invisible color and how do they know they actually get in the packet? How does one do quality control on invisible items?

For example, how does Wonder Woman know if someone stole here invisible jet? Are her keys invisible too? That would be a bitch if she lost them. Makes a good case for a clapper unit. I can hear it now;

WW: "Honey, have you seen my keys for the jet?"
Husband: "Ah.....No?"

Another bold research statement.

2008-01-03T16:03:00.001-05:00

Filed under "duh"...

The effects of mobile phone radiation on sleep were studied in Sweden in a laboratory experiment where subjects were exposed either to 884 MHz GSM radiation or placebo. The study finds that compared to placebo, in the radiation-exposed subjects there was a prolonged latency to reach the first cycle of deep sleep (stage 3).

culled from Slashdot

Did anyone tell the researchers to turn the f**$&% phone OFF? Then maybe the subjects could get some sleep!

Save your liver OR drink twice as much?

2007-12-28T15:50:00.000-05:00

Scientists have found a drug that could help reverse severe liver damage.

Now I think this research is brilliant but it begs a couple questions:

1) Did the scientists try this on themselves first? Sure if I had a liver problem due to excessive drinking I "might" sign up for a trial but on the other hand if the drug failed it could kill me so I would be faced with a hard decision

2) Since the drug repaired the liver, did this allow the drunkards to go drink more?

Is this the cure or a license to drink? I wonder if it is too late to sign up?

** oh, and did the writers name HAVE to be Ian Sample? (that killed me!)

Dreaming in Stereo

2007-12-28T08:30:00.000-05:00

So if I sleep on my side and my dreams contain music, do I hear it in stereo or mono?

That being said, what is up with my conscious and subconscious mind(s)? Why in the world do I have to dream about a lake or running water to know when nature calls? Can't my brain simply pop up a window in my dream that says, "Wake up and go to the bathroom!" Makes you wonder if we are "wired" wrong - some sort of joke by the deity of choice?

I wonder if dogs dream about fire hydrants when they have to go to the bathroom?

** btw: the mp3 pillow can be found at ThinkGeek

Oven Mitt Oxymoron

2007-12-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

I got a new pair of oven mitts for Xmas today. I had to throw out the old ones because they caught on fire.

Wrapping Paper Designer

2007-12-24T13:27:00.000-05:00

Please understand, I'm "a guy". This boggles me but at the same time it is amazing. This woman is a wrapping paper designer! Wow!

Remember in 5th grade when they asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? What do you think her answer was?

Do you suppose she ever suffers from "designers block"?
Can you get a trademark or copyright for each pattern?
Talk about the BEST job for an artist. Your artwork is EVERYWHERE!
Can you plagiarize wrapping paper designs? You know this means there is someone with a Doctorate in wrapping paper design that teaches these classes,

Easter Bunny

2007-12-21T10:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that on the bottom of chocolate Easter bunnies there is a seam. This must be how the bunny gets out after the chocolate has hardened.

This leads to another obvious conclusion. If you want to know how long a bunny can hold its breath, find out how long it takes warm chocolate to harden.

Given their ability to hold their breath, Bunny's must be great a swimming underwater long distances. Maybe they should train them for underwater mine removal like they do with dolphins.

Junk E-mail

2007-12-21T07:39:00.000-05:00

I have noticed that sometime email I don't consider to be "junk" ends up in my Junk Folder anyways. Even when I tell Outlook NOT to put it there is still does.

This just proves that Outlook was written by a woman. She knows what is Junk mail before I do.

This also proves womens intuition applies to electronics. So does that mean women don't need to use the clicker to change channels? This explains why when us guys walk into a room where a woman is watching TV, the clicker is never located next to them.

Xmas in June

2007-12-17T07:09:00.001-05:00

Let's move Xmas to June. Think about it. Its perfect.

(Green angle) You don't have to cut down a tree. Just by a nice shrub and you could power the lights by solar energy (very green!)
(Obesity angle) You could work off all of the "bad food" the next day doing yard work.
(Harmony angle) You and your spouse wouldn't get stressed about the need to spend money on all of the presents while hassling with snow filled parking lots, winter conditions, lack of sun shine, and tax time looming
(Economy angle) Turkey farmers would see a fiscal boom in the summer too when everyone bought a Turkey for dinner. We all know that no one is really psyched about Turkey dinners two months in a row. Heck, half of us go for "the ham" at Xmas just because we are sick of leftovers.
(Harmony angle) The kids can play with their toys OUTSIDE.
(Festive angle) Hey, we still got Thanksgiving, New Years, and Valentines day all in a few months anyways. Its not like we are missing out on a chance to party
(Travel angle) Winter travel for Xmas means more canceled flights. Not so in June.
(Labor angle) The kids are out of school. Give them the shopping list and let them do it for us while we work.

go ahead....add you own reasons but you gotta admit, I have a point.

I approve this message

2007-12-14T12:46:00.001-05:00

oh, and by the way. This is my blog and "I Approve this message."

I just DON'T get the whole bath tub thing.

2007-12-14T12:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, what do Erectile Dysfunction and sitting in bathtubs have in common? Any guy who has ever taken a long bath knows how that turns out. If they want to cure ED, make it a jacuzzi and put them both in it. Who designs these commercials?

Time....

2007-12-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

If you weren't wearing a watch or near a clock, what time would it be? Do blind people live longer because they can't see time pass?

I have a Super Power

2007-12-13T19:04:00.000-05:00

I can solve any problem while I am in the shower. Unfortunately by the time I have dried off, I have forgotten the question.

More on Zambonis....

2007-12-13T07:51:00.000-05:00

When discussing more than one Zamboni, is it Zambonis with an 's' or Zambonii with an 'i'?

That is a little like the plural of Moose....is it Mooses, Mice, or Moosei? Then again who has ever seen more than one so does it really matter.

SPAM

2007-12-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

What does email SPAM taste like? Chicken?

Improving professional sports

2007-12-12T21:32:00.000-05:00

Want to make basketball and football even MORE interesting? Swap balls.

Touchdown

2007-12-12T21:31:00.001-05:00

Why do the refs raise their hands over their heads when a touchdown is scored? Isn't that the sign for a field goal?

Zambonis confuse me

2007-12-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

Do Zamboni drivers have to go to school? Do they get licenses? Does Geico offer insurance? Can you get arrested for DWI on a Zamboni? Do Zamboni's have license plates? Are they made by inmates? Are the licenses different in each state? Can I get a vanity plate? Do they only come in white? How many gears do they have? Do Zamboni's have backup lights? If someone leaves a nail on the ice, will the Zamboni get a flat tire? Do they have a spare and a jack? Can you buy one used?

My Cat has No Idea.....

2007-12-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

.....that her tail is moving. Don't tell her.

Male Pattern Baldness

2007-12-12T20:57:00.000-05:00

Who was the model for the pattern? I would like to talk to his lawyer....

(btw: I will make a deal with any pharma company working on a cure for male pattern baldness, cure stupidity first and I will just shave my head. I have the perfect test subject for any anti-stupidity drug therapy and I know where he lives.)

Faster than yawn travel

2007-12-12T20:42:00.000-05:00

Find me a scientist that can develop "faster than yawn" travel, then I will be impressed.

Picking up Fouls

2007-12-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

So the basketball player just picked up his 3rd foul. That explains why the other guy is on the floor. He must be looking for the foul.